10 Years Ago Today I Said Goodbye to My Mother Forever

I remember October 1, 2005 like it was yesterday, but when I look at that date on the page, I can't believe it's been 10 years since my mom died. 

After 10 years you move on. You learn to live your life without the woman you relied on throughout your childhood to raise you properly and who in your adulthood you still turned to for solutions to problems you just couldn't find. My mom always had an answer for me.

The question I get asked over and over by people who have lost a parent is the same. "Does it get better." The answer is yes. Does it ever go away? No.

On October 1, 2005 I was in her room at Stephens Memorial Hospital in Norway. She had been there for several days as the cancer in her lungs continued to grow. She was diagnosed in August too late to do much about it, though we tried. Chemotherapy was difficult for her to handle. It started to overwhelm her, and by October 1, 2005 she was unconscious and not responsive. Or so we thought.

As I stood over her bed, looking down at her trying to figure out how I was going to go on without her, she opened her eyes briefly and reached up to touch my cheek. It was all she could do at that point but it was clear that this was her way of telling me so much. The woman who told me for over 30 years that everything is going to be okay, was doing it one last time.

Not long after that I watched her take her last breath. She was gone forever.

Many people will say she's not gone forever, she's still with me, or that I will see her again sometime. That's not how my logical brain works though. Death for me is final. It's what science says.

But she's not gone forever in my mind. Every time I look at my son, I can see small features in him that remind me of her. He would have loved her so much.

I miss you mom.