As I fly to Detroit to attend the first of many weddings this year, I find myself holding back from committing the 5 cardinal sins of flying. I have witnessed all of the atrocious actions below, and while I often feel the desperation to commit each and every one myself, I vow in good faith that I shall never commit any one of these heinous acts.

1) The Flying Manicure

This is a perfect time killer and nail polish always comes in convenient travel sizes just begging to accompany me on that 4-hour flight to a destination wedding. I would love nothing more than to break out my nail bag, clip away, buff, polish, and apply a #flawless topcoat. Barring the occasional turbulence, this would be the perfect airplane activity - if it weren’t for those pesky toxic fumes and society’s repulsion by rogue fingernail clippings.

2) Kicking Off One’s Kicks

Some people try to get away with this, and if you have rose-smelling Barbie feet I guess I’m not mad. What’s the harm if no one’s the wiser? I, for one (and too many others who fail to realize it), could never pull off in-flight footwear removal. My perpetually sweaty, size 10 hobbit feet are far too offensive to unleash in an enclosed space, especially after hoofing it through security and sitting in a sauna-hot airplane before the overly aggressive AC kicks in. No way, José - those kicks are staying put.

3) Stretching Out Beyond One's Bounds

This is an abhorrent symptom of America’s ever-shrinking commercial airplanes. As one lanky-ass individual, I understand this flying crime above all others. Having to carefully fold up my legs and stow them beneath the seat in front of me is always the worst. But the alternative – man-splaying from here to Omaha with my feet resting atop my neighbor’s headrest (yes, again - I’ve seen this on multiple occasions) or stiffened straight across the aisle? I’ll never be seen stooping that low, despite my 5’3” seat mate’s tendency to do so. If I can remain kinked for the entirety of our flight, so can you.

4) Screaming At Small-Talkers That I REALLY DON’T CARE

I don’t know what it is about having no exit that makes airplane chatters want to discuss the most irritatingly mundane subjects known to man. Anywhere else, I adore eavesdropping. Whether it’s a bro asking his bromate for relationship advice, every sentence starting with “dude” and ending with “whatever,” or a couple gals discussing the horrors of wedding planning and the merits of elopement, I love catching snippets of strangers’ lives. But put me on a plane and I swear to God I’ve never heard a single interesting conversation when there’s no escape. I would spend the entire flight in the overhead compartment if it muted you discussing how brief your upcoming layover is and how your cousin’s husband landed a great job in New York City. Oh you’re headed to your son’s graduation? He had a rough go of it these past couple years and you thought he’d never make it? Listen, lady. You are the reason in-flight movies and noise-canceling headphones were invented.

5) Passing Gas Like an Oxygen Mask

There are plenty of bodily functions that I have full sympathy for on airplanes. Is your baby crying because his ears won’t pop? You won’t get a scowl from me, sister. Getting over a cold? I get it bud, you still gotta get where you’re going - rock that elbow cough and Kleenex. But if I so much as catch the SLIGHTEST WIFF of a toot from you, you best be praying to whatever higher power you believe in because I am sending you hate mail via mental waves and slow head shaking for the duration of your stank’s presence. I know it’s easier to let it slowly bubble out as you slouch comfortably reclined with your seatbelt securely fashioned, I know. But I don’t care; you know it’s coming. Get your gassy ass to the bathroom.