The masses are flocking to Portland, Maine, a hip destination whose welcome sign reads, "the way life should be". However, since moving here two months ago, I've discovered a handful of disturbing things about this so-called vacationland that should deter ANYONE considering moving here from doing so. PEOPLE FROM AWAY: HEED MY WARNING.

1) Too Many Dogs

How am I supposed to get anything done when every time I leave my house I have to stop immediately and say hi to a passing dog? Not to mention all the dog-friendly breweries and bars, where I have no option but to bring my dog along and then spend the entire time telling people how old she is, what breed she is, her favorite color... THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE, PEOPLE.

2) So Many Vanity Plates

What's with Mainers making license plates fun? Everywhere you look, different designs - loons, moose, lobsters, pine cones... and on top of that, half of them have cute little playful words like "TVM0M," "OK4YSUR3," "00PS1E". I'm convinced it's some kind of gang code system.

3) All The Food

SO. MUCH. FOOD. And it's ALL delicious. Yelp will tell you there's a variety of star ratings here, but it's a lie. It's all amazing. I don't know what Portland's game is yet, but it involves tricking me into gaining 150 pounds within a year of living here. Are they planning a roast? Trying to get me onto 'My 600lb Life'? If your goals for the future don't involve becoming a whale, then stay away.

4) Everyone Is Friendly

Our country is supposed to be at odds, but you wouldn't tell it from the folks here in Portland, Maine. They lull you into thinking the world is a happy-go-lucky place of "hi there!'s" and held doors. WELL, IT'S NOT. DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU. Steer clear of this utopia where strangers ask if you need directions and waitresses stop to chat. You'll never be able to function in regular society again.

5) Fashion Is Not A Concern

Before I moved here, I prided myself on a "no-craps-given, grunge-chic" style, but here I just blend in with the other sheep. I'm sure it changes once tourists from fashion-conscious cities start flooding in, but the locals in winter turn sweats and leggings into daily garb, and I've been hoodwinked. I sit here writing this post in leggings and a soft casual tee, AT WORK. And no one bats an eye. Where's the sense of pride in clothing? Not that I ever had it, but it's nice to be held to a higher standard every once in a while.

6) Cool Architecture

Good luck not twisting your ankle on the cobblestone streets while gazing at the faded paintings on the majestic brick buildings in the Old Port. GOOD. FRICKIN'. LUCK.

7) Beer. Everywhere.

Around these parts, you have to keep your wits about you. The crime rate may be low and the people may be friendly, but every other place in town totes locally brewed beers, tricking you into having "just one more" until you're stumbling home at 2pm wondering what happened.

8) Attack Lobsters

Don't trust those crawly creeps. Every year, nearly 300 unsuspecting Mainers are brutally attacked while preparing their dinner.*

9) Cost of Living is Too Low

Despite everything I just warned you about, anyone living in Boston, New York, or any other expensive city will be enticed to move here because they can rent a nice studio downtown for under $900. Well, that's how they getcha. Ah who am I kidding, everyone is gonna move here. Just remember, folks, you were warned.

 

*Not intended as a statement of fact