Hibachi Etiquette Explained by a Traumatized Maine Radio Host

Hibachi is supposed to be fun. When you hear the word hibachi you're supposed to feel carelessly excited.

When you sit down at that square grill table scrambling to find the best seat before your friend does understand that you've now agreed to put your best foot forward to have an interactive dinner.

The second you sit down at that table for dinner, please understand that you're basically signing a hypothetical agreement that you'll interact with the flying mushrooms and make an absolute fool of yourself with no questions asked once the saki comes around.

This is the one time it's okay to take something from a stranger's plate.

Are there any rules when you go to a hibachi dinner?

Yes, there are unwritten rules you should automatically know as a seasoned human on this earth.

Another unwritten rule at hibachi is that you must be open to whoever else gets sat down with your group to have dinner.

If you think this concept is awkward then you shouldn't have even walked in the door.

If you're sitting at Hibachi, I'm already going to assume you like to have a good time.

Is there a Hibachi restaurant in South Portland, Maine?

Yes, and it's my favorite one. It's called Kobe which is where my friends and I were sitting at the big square table in our big sweatshirts ready to competitively drink Saki.

It's never not a competition between my friends at this part.

One of my favorite pastimes is watching my best friend get smashed in the face with raw broccoli because she's got no hand-eye coordination and didn't see the chef alley-oop it to her.

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The flying broccoli has now made its way to the other side of the table for the other group's turn to see if they belong in Fruit Ninja.

When I tell you these people didn't flinch, I thought they had all just gotten Botox in their faces, not one single chuckle. THEY DECLINED THE FLYING VEGGIES.

They also didn't giggle when a mushroom hit me in the face and landed in my drink because I also don't have any hand-eye coordination.

I made a joke and asked if they wanted to partake in our Saki competition, and they said no thank you instead, of yes, Krissy bring it on, I can go for 30 seconds. Wild.

We come here for the socializing, Karen.

Don't come to Hibachi if you're not going to participate in the whole table giggles, am I right? Not even a gasp at the onion completely submerged in flames, and that's how I know they didn't belong here.

Hibachi etiquette means, don't sit down at the table if you're not going to participate in the chef's activities and no you can't have my two extra shrimp. Ding-dongs.