Ever wanted a borderline vulgar description of Portland's neighborhoods? A Mainer provided exactly that on a Reddit thread yesterday in response to someone asking for some insight on the city.

Warning: There is some edited NSFW language below.


While I wouldn't want to hang out with this sour patch kid, I do think his writing style is hilarious. Did he peg your neighborhood or miss the mark?

The post reads, "Munjoy Hill: A couple decades ago this was considered pretty poor and run down and, as a result, was somewhere that was actually affordable to live. Subsequent decades have the seen neighborhood revitalized, which means that many of the poor people were priced out of the market so that the sorts of people who get wet about the prospect of organic vegan grocery stores could move in. So your neighbors will still suck, but for different reasons.

West End: A place for fancy f***s to buy multi-million-dollar houses with spectacular views, so long as they don't mind that those views are somewhat sullied by oil shipping facilities in South Portland. There are also condos available for those aspiring to be fancy f***s, and, for some incongruous reason, a low-income housing development.

Bayside: This is a straight-up s***hole, which makes it the hippest part of town according to many people, all of whom base these sorts of judgements on the ratio of craft breweries/population.

Old Port: This quaint downtown area was previously used for quarantining all the drunks on the weekend. The city managers have now outsourced its development to hotel developers. Also, there's a floating restaurant on a big boat, which seems kinda cool until you actually eat there and realize that Downeast Magazine has lied to you.

Woodfords Corner: This is the absolute furthest you can live from the peninsula and not elicit eye rolls when you say "I live in Portland" to people who still do live on the peninsula.

Deering/Stroudwater/Morrill's Corner/etc.: These neighborhoods exist to play the role of the Confederacy in relation to the peninsula's Union in all matters political. They differ from the peninsula in most ways except the price of housing. Inhabitants of these neighborhoods are the American equivalent of the Shudra caste in India, acting as laborers for their high-caste betters but not quite falling to the level of the untouchable Dalits.

I think that just about covers it.

EDIT: Oops, forgot one:

Parkside: Combines the pleasant physical environment of the West End with the low-income, criminal population of lower Munjoy Hill/Bayside. So you'll still get stabbed, but at least you'll be able to take in the stunning Victorian architecture while you bleed out on the quaintly warped brick sidewalk."

More From Q97.9