If New England Forms Its Own Country, Who Would Be Its President?
Did you say “I gotta move to another country” when Kim Kardashian breaking up with Pete Davidson actually made the news?
Well, sit tight, New England: if one local group gets its way, you’re already in one!
The New England Independence Campaign has been pushing Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Connecticut to secede from the United States for almost a decade.
According to the organization’s website, the NEIC is “a group of individuals throughout New England who have come together to promote the idea of independence for our nation. We aim to achieve this peacefully, through education and the ballot box. Our members encompass a wide range of the political spectrum. We welcome all New Englanders to join our movement.”
Wicked crazy, guy!
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to never underestimate the unpredictable world of politics. So rather than push back, I’ve chosen to use humor, and hopefully please my potential chowder-loving overlords.
Let's say we break off. Who Should Be President of New England? Let's look at the candidates:
Mitt Romney, Republican. Romney comes to mind first, as he is a one-time Republican nominee for President of the United States. He also has a distinct advantage, as I’m fairly certain he owns at least one home in each of New England’s six states.
We may never get to the bottom of the Old Man in the Mountain’s collapse or Barney and Betty Hill, but if nothing else, Mitt could help answer once and for all, “Who Let the Dogs Out?”
Elizabeth Warren, Democrat. Warren was a favorite for the 2020 Democratic nomination, before the party decided to shake things up and go with a man. Sure, Warren may have fallen to fourth when she forgot to call a woman in Hampton a lying dog-faced pony soldier.
But what should you expect when you’re visiting a state where the most famous geological event was an old man having a public breakdown?
Bernie Sanders, Loud. You know that the minute he heard about the NEIC, Bernie pulled his best suit out of a crumpled Filene’s bag. One can only imagine what Bernie would shout on the campaign trail. “IF YOU WANT TO SEND A MESSAGE, DUMP ALL YOUR DUNKIN INTO THE HARBOR!” “HOW COME RHODE ISLAND’S ‘RHODE ISLAND’ WHEN IT’S NOT A ROAD OR AN ISLAND?? THE NAMING IS RIGGED!”
Not exactly the most exciting bunch. But that’s why I’ve landed on a candidate we all love and respect…
Brian Scalabrine, Redhead. I apologize for wasting speculating about other candidates when the answer is so obvious. But, it only serves to bolster #44’s case as the region’s Supreme Leader.
Whether he’s yelling at the Celtics to challenge every single call or schooling teenagers in pickup games, Scalabrine embodies what New England is all about: rage.
With Dennis Eckersley as his sensible Vice-President and Scott Zolak as his even-keeled Secretary of State, "The White Mamba" is the clear choice to bring all true New Englanders (and Connecticut residents) into the future.
He’s fiery, he’s pale, and therefore he's more determined than anyone to save us from climate change. Congratulations, President Scalabrine. You are New England.